Dad

Its not easy to talk about Dad.
My Parents got divorced when i was 2, so i don´t really have memorys about my Dad.
I always wanted to know him, i searched for him, we found him, we wanted  to meet (we are my Brother and me) and i that time he died. Since that time i don´t get over it.

Often think about, ask me question like:
“Why didn´t we found him earlier.”
“Why did he never searched for us”
“Why, why and why”

I have nothing but old pics from him. Thats the only thing, i would change all these old pics against one  moment to talk with him. I wished i would found some more informations about him, a newer picture. Sadly his second wife don´t want to talk with me. She´s upset, because we where not there when he died. She asked if i want something from her, maybe she thought i want money. I don´t.
I wanna know him more. I didn´t talked with her. Someone else asked her.

But how did i found out about his second wife and more? When i was in Rehab (Chronical Disease) i had so much time to think about everything. What popped up? Right, DAD. And i cried alot.  I thought i was over it, i thouhgt its okay, but nothing was. Deep inside i was mad and at the same time sad about it. And it is a long time ago. He died back in 2003.

So i made it a Mission to find more about him. I did, i really did. I found out were he was born, and i talked to a woman from a office there, she helped me and told me when he died, the excact date and that he was buried in Halle/Saale. I always thought he died in Berlin. I don´t know why i thought it. I cried while i phoned with her. She was the sweetest. So i had to find out which graveyard was the one where is buried. And again i had luck and a really nice person at the graveyard helped me. He said, that he is at the North Gravyard in Halle / Saale, that his grave looks scruffy, that made me sad.
But he also could tell me about his second wife. And you know what he did? He searched her, he did all the work for me and searched for her all the time. And he found her, and talked to her. That was when she told him that she don´t wanna talk with me. The only thing, that she said, that he died from a disease and that i maybe should check it. I had mixed feelings, happy that i found him, sad that she didn´t wanna talk with me, that she said she has no new pics from him, and that she doen´t have informations about his Family and something else. That was all back in December 2016.

I promised myself to drive to Halle / Saale to visit his grave. Now its 2019 and i wasn´t there. I can´t go alone, and i also don´t wanna go alone. I really wanna go there and hope i will find a way. Its not that close.

And i often get reminders that i have to do it. When i go to my Doc (every 3 weeks) i see a sign with “North Graveyard” Right, i always think about that i didn´t get it managed to go there.
Today i meet a stranger, we talked and guess what? We talked about the past and what popped up. My Dad. I can´t talk about him without tears in my eyes. I don´t unterstand why. You know, i don´t know really now him, but i miss him so much. He´s the other half of me, my Mom the other.

I hope when i visit the graveyard i maybe feel better, maybe i can complete with it. I don´t how i react. If i manage to visit it, i will see.

Here are some old pics from Dad. <3